So, I am composing this in MS Word because I don’t know if I can get it all written in one go. I’m very pissed off right now and I am threatening to want to be vengeful for things I heard that I wasn’t supposed to.

            Tia is a stupid bitch. Mom is borderline senile. Because I refused to pump gas this afternoon apparently I am not capable of taking care of my mom.

Tia, mom and I were on our way home from Moses Lake and Tia said I should pump the gas when we got to the station and I said I wasn’t going to. Tia is capable of pumping gas and she was getting out at the station anyway. We stopped at McDonalds first and Mom got parfaits and a burger, then we went to my order, which was separate, and I ordered two burgers and fries. Then Tia ordered herself two burgers on my bill. Did she ask me if that was okay? Nooo. She just assumed it was okay with me if she owed me money. I know two burgers is a paltry amount of money but the fact that he did not even ask me if it was okay really pisses me off. We pull up to the pay window and mom is fumbling in her purse apparently missing a 20 dollar bill or something of that nature. Tia then gets fed up with waiting for mom and says “here, I’ll pay and you can owe me for it” and pulls out a five dollar bill from her purse. Why the hell did she put her food on my order when she had a 5 dollar bill of her own? Thankfully she switched her burgers to mom’s order and paid for her own food. But if mom hadn’t had a difficulty she wouldn’t have paid for herself. So we then go to the gas station and Mom and Tia get out and as Tia is getting out she asks me to pump the gas, I’m still pissed off at her presumption at the McDonalds at this point, and I had already said I wasn’t going to pump the gas, so I shook my head as my mouth was full of French fries. Tia then huffs angrily and slams the door shut and goes to help mom with getting into the station to get the gas voucher so we could get our gas. They then return and mom gets in the car and Tia goes to pump the gas. Mom informs me that Tia is mad at me, and I tell mom that I am mad at Tia for presuming it was okay for her to owe me money. Mom just kinda shrugs and goes to her food and writing the gas information in the record book. Tia gets in the car and shivers and shakes because, after all, it is only about 6 degrees outside at that time. Then she snaps at me about how I need to “step up” and help mom more because Tia is going to be gone in spring. This sets me to fuming internally, but I opt not to reply. The drive home after that is uneventful.

We got home and I was going to help mom up the driveway, but Tia got there first… way to let me “step up”. We get in the house and I go to my room and Tia takes mom to mom’s room and I proceed to give my dog her evening medicine (more on why my dog is taking meds later) and feed the cats and check on my rabbit and the chinchillas. While I was at the chinchilla cage I could hear pretty clearly what mom and Tia were talking about. Me. Naturally I wanted to know what was being said so I decided to hang around a listen. Tia basically was still bitching about me not pumping gas and about how I never help mom. Mom then said that she had talked to me about the help she needed that Tia was providing and how my “eyes got wider and wider” as she went on about the stuff she needed help with. Tia then says that she and mom have to call about getting in home help because I am too “selfish” to help. Mom told Tia about what I had said in the car and added, “what does food and money have to do with pumping gas? Nothing! I don’t understand why that was her reason not to pump the gas.” To which Tia responded, “that wasn’t a reason it was an excuse, she wasn’t going to pump the gas in the first place she said so on the highway. Her plan from the start was to sit there and stuff her face while we got out and did stuff.” Now how do you think I reacted to all that? Well I was damned tempted to barge in there and yell at them both for being idiots. First, I do help mom just not as often as Tia does, because mom asks Tia for help before she asks me. Also who got mom’s walker(more on mom’s walker later) in and out of the car 4 times today? Yeah that was me. Second, when mom talked to me about what she needed help with my eyes certainly did not get “wider and wider” because even if I was shocked at what she was saying, I never show emotions like that. When mom talked to me about what she needed help with I nodded and said I would help, but it would still make me uncomfortable, because fastening your mom’s bra is not something people with phobias like mine are comfortable doing. Thirdly, yeah we need to get mom in home help. I have suggested that on numerous occasions. I am selfish sometimes, but I am wiling to help. When it comes to my mom I rarely think of myself first. Hell I could probably use in home assistance, but I don’t want it. Fourthly, I never said the money thing was why I wasn’t pumping the gas. I said I was mad at her for the thing at McDonalds, not that it had anything to do with me not pumping gas. I can understand the confusion, but what gets me is mom had thought I meant it was my reason and instead of telling me that it was a stupid reason, or saying something then about how it didn’t make sense to her, she waits until we are home and she and Tia are having a gossiping bitch-fest. Why the fuck can’t she say this shit to my fucking face like I want her to? How can I realize when I’m not making sense, or when I am being unreasonable if no one ever tells me? I’m socially fucked up and I don’t realize when I am being a stupid shit or mis-communicating. Lastly, hell yeah I wasn’t going to pump the gas in the first place. That is the first thing I heard that was completely accurate to the situation. And yeah I am going to eat my food while I wait, I’d rather not have it all cold plus both of them knew I was starving because I hadn’t had breakfast and I was complaining all day about how hungry I was. So while I don’t appreciate the terminology, yes, I intended to “stuff my face” while they were doing shit at the gas station. And yes, it probably was selfish.

One thing the two of them don’t realize is that I don’t do a lot of things because of the fact that Tia is living with us. I’m a lazy asshole and if I can get away with making someone I hate do all the work for me then hell yes I am going to take advantage of that. Once she leaves I will be helping mom more because things won’t be shifted to Tia by default. What really bugs me is how they both are saying I never help, when there is a ton of stuff that wouldn’t happen if I weren’t here. I am the only one in this house who can lift more than 20 pounds at a time, meaning I carry all the animal food off the shelves at the store, into the trunk of the car, into the house, then in whatever bin they go into. I am the tallest person in the house meaning I am the one who grabs things off the top shelves at the grocery store, I am the one who changes all the light bulbs in the house, and I am the one who reaches anything that needs to be reached. I am also the one who is able to be pushed physically the farthest so I am the one stretching to reach things in little nooks or behind thing, I am the one climbing into the trees to help a cat who was chased up there by something, I’m the one who exercises the dogs if the weather isn’t too shitty, I’m the one who does all the tough cleaning jobs because my back is capable of being arched over some stuck on piece of shit for a few hours if necessary, even if it means I can’t get out of bed the next morning. Tia may help with the little comfort things and the hobbling to and from the car and the driving (which I will be helping with soon as I hopefully get my permit on Friday). But if I weren’t around, mom wouldn’t be able to feed the animals or keep this house from caving in one itself.

So. I feel very… very… used? Unappreciated? Borderline useless?

Betrayed.

Hurt.

Upset.

My dog is not well. The Friday before last we had a vet appointment to have her ears looked at because she was very… fungusy. Before we left fot he vet I took her outside to play in the foot of snow we had so that she would be a little less wound up for the car ride. She ad fun, I had fun, mom watched for a bit and had fun. It goes without saying that a fun time was had by all. Girl stopped playing earlier than she usually does, I just figured she was tiring easily because of the deep snow we were playing in. I was wrong, but that wasn’t immediately apparent.

We all piled into the car, my dog, Tia, mom and I, and left for the appointments. Mom has physical therapy before the vet appointment so Girl, Tia and I got to wait in the car for an hour. It was during this wait that I started to realize something was wrong with my dog. Whenever she got up and turned around she would whine or yelp a little bit as if in pain. I got her to sit down and I poked and prodded the leg I thought was having trouble and she just looked at me like I was being weird. We got to the vet and he was swamped with people and we ended up having to go to the back room which was a kind of makeshift exam room rather than a proper finished one. There were a couple things in there that looking like they were being stored in the room until needed. The vet came in a few minutes later and looked at girl’s ears and said she had an infection and prescribed some antibiotics and ear drops. I mentioned her whining about her leg and he said it was probably something temporary and that it would probably go away. It didn’t.

We went home and on the way home girl was whining and yelping even more. When we got home she slunk into the house and into my room and whined a bit but lay down. We the humans then piled back into the car because we wanted to check out the new local feed store. We were at the feed store for a few hours and got some good advice about dog food and then came home. I did a few things in the main part of the house before going to my room to check on girl. I got to my room and opened the door and that is when the 12 hour nightmare began.

When the door opened it hit Girl somewhere, but I’m not sure where as I couldn’t see it happening, but the effect of that hit was immense. She started not yelping, but screaming in pain. I squeezed myself in the crack of the door and sat on the floor next to her and coaxed her into lying down and when she lay down the screaming subsided and she looked up and me and her eyes were so full of fear and pain it was hard to look at her. I took a deep breath and knew I had to do some prodding to figure out exactly what was wrong. I knew exactly which leg to look at because the way she had been walking and turning made it abundantly clear that the pain was in her left hind leg somewhere. So starting from her toes I started pressing and squeezing all up her leg and there was no reaction at all except that she wasn’t sure she liked all the prodding. I thought about it for a moment then poked her right at her hip joint very lightly. She jumped up and started screaming again. This was the kind of screaming in pain that is at a frequency that you actually feel every second of it vibrate in your bones. It was horrible. I got her calmed down again and opened my door and went out, Girl got up and came out with me but went to a pile of dirty clothes and lay down right away, where she would normally run around the house briefly to check that everything was in order, instead she just lay down where she could watch us people as we talked about her injury and what to do. It was after hours for all the vets in the area and we can’t afford an emergency vet bill, so we decided to stick out the night and find a vet to take her to in the morning. That night was hell. We gave her asprin and codine, but neither of them even touched the pain she was in. I was up the entire night with her, and every time she got up she would scream and whine.

The next morning we called our normal vet, he was closed. So we called a vet in Moses Lake, they were closed. We called another vet in Moses Lake, they were open. We got in the car and were at the vet by around 9:30 am. As soon as we got into the vet’s office girl stopped whining and put on a brave face. She was hiding her pain from the strangers around her. We went into the exam room and the vet’s assistant went to try and pick girl up to put her on the exam table and Girl whined then snapped at the vet’s assistant. I said that Girl has never bitten a human since we got her, and that I would try picking her up and getting her on the table. The vet was in the room by this time and when I picked her up I guess I grabbed her knee because I wasn’t watching what I was doing, normally I grab her around her ribs and stomach. Anyway, when I picked her up she started screaming and her mouth was right next to my face and her jaws were snapping open and closed but she didn’t actually bite me. When she was on the table the Vet said that it wasn’t her hip that was hurt it was her knee. Mom and I kind of looked at each other and asked when he meant, se was screaming when her hip was touched, so how was it her knee that was bad? He said that she had probably blown two ligaments in her knee, he then grabbed her leg and showed us how her leg was twisting in a way it shouldn’t, which meant there was ligament damage. I asked for x-rays of her hips anyways, because if we were there we might as well take a look to see if she had the possibility of developing hip dysplasia. He didn’t seem to like the idea but did the x-ray anyways, and her hips are beautiful and I don’t ever have to worry about her developing hip dysplasia in the future, which is a relief. So the vet gave up some pain medications, and a joint supplement that in time will make the pain go away because it pads the joint so it doesn’t grind on it’s self from the damaged ligaments.

So, my dog has a permanently busted knee that we will have to be careful with. I’m kind of less inclined to get a puppy now because of girl being hurt. Also Girl is a senior dog now. We have had her 5 years and she was about 2 when we got her. I didn’t realize that she was that old, and it kind of has me upset because it means she is that much closer to being gone… but mom still thinks I should get a puppy, but it should be a calmer breed than the ones I have been looking at in the past, also a smaller breed might be better because if t is smaller than girl it may do less damage if it jumps on her to play. We are definitely not getting a puppy for a few months yet, because I want to wait until Tia is moved out with her dog, and Jiji is moved out where ever he ends up going… Jiji thinks little dogs (like puppies) are for eating…